Saturday, September 16, 2006

 

Poor parents

Man parents have it rough You know parents these days don't have it easy. For years they try to get their kids to:

a.) Eat their spinich.

and

b.) Read things, like the newspaper.

And then they finally succeed in doing both. And after a kid finishes his spinich, he opens the newspaper to find out that SPINICH CAN KILL YOU.

Oh sweet irony.

Friday, September 15, 2006

 

The greatest Craigslist post ever

OK, probably not, but it amused me. Because I wrote it. And what's more important than me being amused?

That's right. Nothing.

So check this out here.

 

Dating Makes You Stupid

I consider myself a fairly intelligent individual - in regards to general knowledge and thought process (life decesions and whatnot - eh, not so much). So when I date someone, I'd like to date someone at least as intelligent as I am, if not more so. However, it's the "more so" that gave me problems at one point.

I am not afraid of intelligent women. In fact I admire them. I am more than happy to learn new things if they're willing to impart some knowledge on me.

But at one point I dated a young woman who just made me feel fucking stupid. Every trivial fact I would impart would be met with a rebutal - and she was usually right. Every direction to a particular destination I would offer would be met with directions that were much faster and easier to follow. Her spelling was immaculate. Everything I knew, she knew, plus a few other things I didn't.

It was fucking MADDENING.

It's those kinds of relationship that really make you strive to improve yourself. Make you really look inside and try to lift yourself up, to go above and beyond the standards that you set for yourself.

She was (and is a beautiful girl), sweet, maybe a little immature (like I'm one to talk) and very very smart. Obviously we're not together anymore, but she made me realize the importance of intelligence and education. So, hon, if you're reading this right now, I just want you to know

MY MOM GOT ME A TUTOR AND A LIBRARY CARD AND IMA WATCHING THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL A LOT AND IM COMIN FOR YOU NEXT BEEYOTCH!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!!

 

Movies Are Fucking Bullshit

Movies are fucking bullshit

You know how in the movies you have two characters who were, like, in fucking Kindergarten or 1st grade or something and then they're 30 and they haven't seen each other since Kindergarten in 1st grade and they recongize each other or one recognizes the other?

That's fucking bullshit.

I mean if you compare a 1st grade photo to a photo of that same person when you were 30, you might notice the similarities, but if you just ran into some dumbass you went to elementary school with when you're 30 or 40, you're not going to know who the fuck they are from sight.

But this shit happens in the movies all the time and it's retarded.

Fuck movies.

 

New Rule

From now on anyone who uses the phrase "I'm Rick James, bitch" will be shot on sight.

Thank you.

 

A Dating Question

Have you ever been attracted to someone and you really wanted to ask them out but you didn't because you know that if you got into a relationship with them and then you got into a really heated argument they have the capactity of lighting you on fire?

I get that every now and then.

I've had a little experience with fire and you may not be aware of this, but it's really hot. And being engulfed in flames is not something I think would be a pleasant experience.

In other news I have had ten cans of soda.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

 

A Random Thought

People with good intentions will generally tell anyone listening that everyone should "practice safe sex."

Practice safe sex?

Doesn't that sound like jerking off in the shower while wearing a condom?

Is practicing unsafe sex wacking off and then drunkenly adopting a baby?

Just a thought.

 

Speak English or Go Home. Oh, wait, you are home.

For all you people who people who get pissed off at the Chinese guy in line in front of you who has trouble ordering an Egg McMuffin, or the Hispanic community who prefers to speak Spanish when they're at home, let me fill you in on a little something. And this especially goes towards you conservatie motherfuckers who are big on following the "rules".

English, I hate to break this to you, is NOT the United States of America's official language. As a matter of fact, we don't have one. That's right, Skeezix, look it up. English is considered the de facto language, and it's the one most government documents are written in because it's a pain in the ass to write and copy them all in the languages that he other 18f the country speaks in. Granted, there's always some redneck senator from Buttfuck, Georgia trying to pass legislation to change this, but at the moment, no official language.

So, yes, in America, the majority of us speak English. But no one is required to.

Would it be nice if everyone off the boat (or in the case of Haitian and Cuban refugees hastily thrown togetehr rafts made of old, cheap tires and balsa wood) spoke perfect English. It certainly would make it life a lot easier. But they don't. So fucking deal with it.

And I'm sure a lot of you argue "Well, if you go to France and you don't speak French very well, or at al, they give you a hard time there, too!" So, what? You're taking France's example now? I thought we were all eating Freedom Fries and hating the French these days.

You know something a lot of the people in France and other European countries do? They learn more than one fucking language. Apparently it makes getting along with your international neighbors a little easier.

And don't start with me about how the country might not have an official language, but a lot of states do. So what? Are we a country or are we back in the 1700s and a collection of states again? Shall we form a militia to defend ourselves from the red coats?

And so what if some people living here don't want to learn English? How is that your fucking problem? You know what a lot of companies do instead of trying to force legislation? They hire people who speak more than one language. Apparently even people who don't speak English still have money. Maybe not a lot, but they have some.

Oh, but you work in a kitchen and your Hispanic dishwashing staff won't speak English? Then learn some Spanish. Not only will you be able to communicate better with your staff and broadening your horizons, but now there's, like, four more channels on TV you can watch. Oh, you don't have time? I guess that's your fucking problem. Not only do you want the cheap Mexican labor, but now you want them to conform as well? I empathize with the poor folks who are just working there 9 to 5 and how this makes your lives difficult, but if your biggest problem in your life is that you can't communicate with Pedro the Line Cook, you really shouldn't be complaining.

Personally, if you're dealing with me and you don't speak my language, I don't even care if you don't even try. As long as you find some way to communicate what you're tying to say, I'll go along with it. Sometimes hand gestures amd a crudely drawn sketch on a cocktail napkin can go miles towards that goal.

Instead of trying to force everyone to conform to our standards (again, in this case, a standard that isn't fucking Federally sanctioned), maybe we can try and educate ourselves a little bit? On the other hand, if you're still going to be stubborn about it, fine. Your fucking loss.

Just a little thought you might try rattling around in your heads a little bit.


Wednesday, August 02, 2006

 

MySpace Surveys Are Gay Gay Gay

But not in a homosexual way.

I like to fuck around on these MySpace surveys, mostly because people are either way too honest or just put stuff that no one wants to read. That being said, I've got one here I'm going to post.

**January**

1. Did you have a new year's resolution this year?
I resolved to eat my weight in pudding by September 9th/

2. Who kissed you at midnight?
Ralph Nader. WAY too much tongue

3. Does it snow where you live?
Only when I keep the windows open

4. Do you like hot chocolate
I do indeed have jungle fever

5. Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop?
I have no desire to see anyone's balls drop

**February**

1. Who was your valentine in 2006?
Jack Abramoff

2. When you were little, did you buy valentines for your whole class?
yes and they were infected with smallpox

3. Do you care if the groundhog sees its shadow or not?
of course, it's the only way we'll determine who lives and who dies


**March**

1. Are you Irish?
iof course not.

2. Do you wear green on St. Patty's Day?
that goes against the wishes of allah

3. What did you do for St. Patty's Day in 2006?
fasted and meditated on world hunger.

4. Are you happy when winter is pretty much over?
it's so much easier to kill Jewish babies in the spring, really

**April**

1. Do you like the rain?
The Rain? is that a band?

2. Did you play an April fool's joke on anyone this year?
I told my mother I was pregnant. I don't think she got the joke.

3. Do you get tons of candy on easter?
that goes against the will of allah

4. DO YOU CELEBRATE 4-20?
WHY IS THIS QUESTION IN CAPS AND NO I DID NOT



**May**

1. What's your favorite kind of flower?
I usually get the store brand, and only when I'm baking

2. Do you like the spring?
The Spring? Is that a band?

3. Finish the phrase "April showers...":
go against the will of allah.

4. What is the first color you think of when you think of Spring?
soiled diaper yellow. Hey, you asked.

**June**

1. What year did/will you graduate from highschool?
1939 and smack into WWII

2. Did you go on any vacations last June?
I took a vacation... from my problems.

3. Did you realize nothing special happens in June?
Well, if you don't call getting a handjob from a Mexican transvestite in the break room at Arby's while the Harlem Globetrotters look on, cheering and dressed as their favorite characters from Thundercats special, then I don't know what IS.

**July**

1. What did you do on the 4th of July?
Sat in my apartment, being all unpatriotic.

2. Do you go on any vacations during this month?
I'm not allowed out of my house apparently

3. Do you blast the A/C all day?
I BLAST ACDC ALL DAY BITCHES!!


**August**

1. Will you do anything special at the end of your summer?
I'm going to fuck an Asian girl. That or try a flavor of gum I've never tried before. One or the other, I think.

2. What was your favorite summer memory of '06?
going to the beach with Olivia Newton-John.

3. Do you have a sunburn?
that requires going out in the sun, from what I have been told/

4. Do you go to the beach a lot?
only to sell Chevy Chase his coke.


**September**

1. Did you attend school/college in '05?
THE SCHOOL OF HARD KNOCKS

2. Who is/was your favorite teacher?
Allah, of course.

3. Do you like fall better than summer?
Do I like fall better than... seriously, you want to fucking know that? All the questions in the world you can ask me, and this is what you come up with? Why don't you ask me if I like cheese? Or who my favorite Darren on Bewitched was? Fucking seriously.


**October**

1. What was your favorite halloween costume ever?
I dressed up like Mohommed with a bomb for a turban and set off riots all over the arab world. oops, my bad

2. What's your favorite candy?
eye candy

3. What did you dress up like last year?
Ed Asner


**November**

1. Whose house did you go to for Thanksgiving?
I donated my time and energy by helping out at a homeless shelter. Ha ha, just kidding. No one ever really does that. I ate and laughed at poor people.

2. Do you love stuffing?
heh heh heh heh heh.... next

3. What are you thankful for?
that the test results came back negative

**December**

1. Do you celebrate Christmas?
you're really trying to get me in bad with Allah, aren't you?

2. If not, what do you celebrate?
Wow Grandma Sent Me $20! Day

3. Have you ever been kissed under mistletoe?
Walk around all week holding mistletoe over your head, constantly making kissy noises and see if someone doesn't kiss just to make you fucking stop

4. What do you want this year?
I want to have a threesome with some hot, bisexual models. Or world peace, which is more likely.

5. Do you like cold weather?
it helps keep the bodies from decomposing so quickly

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

 

When It's OK To Be A Racist (or I Am So Getting Killed For This)

So, Mel Gibson's in the news again. It seems this time the headlines aren't "Mel Gibson Makes Movie, Hates Jews", they are "Mel Gibson Drives Drunk, Hates Jews." This was a bad move on Mel's part, because everyone in Hollywood knows that if you're going to make racist comments, make sure your new film is in the can first.

Now, a lot of people will argue with this, but I think it's the truth. There is a time and a place to make racist comments.

"WHAT?!" some of you cry, unable to comprehend what I have just typed and posted in a blog for all to see, "There is NEVER a time and place for racist comments!" Not true, says I. For as long as people continue to get upset by mere words, it's important to use these words to shock people and shake them out of their hang ups. Por Ejemple...

I have a number of friends all over this fine country of ours from various different types of religious and ethnic backgrounds. We're sort of the Rainbow Coalition of Drinkers, if you will. During one night at the bar, a friend of mine might complain that his drinks don't seem to be very strong, and then would proceed to ask me why I think that is. My first response would be, of course, "probably because you're a dirty, dirty Jew."

Now, upon saying that, my friends, including my Jewish friend who I have directed this comment towards, know that a.) I don't mean this (not entirely. His hygine wasn't very well upkept and he was, indeed, a Jew) and b.) that's more than likely NOT the reason his drinks are so weak (various reasons range from the bartender's skimping on the hootch to maybe his tolerance is higher than the rest of us to yeah, maybe the bartender's a fucking anti-Semite). But I can make comments like this because these are my friends, they know I'm joking and on top of that, these are intelligent people. Even if I meant every word I said, they aren't retarded enough to get upset by words. (They are retarded enough to try and steal tree from downtown Indianapolis, though, especially after six Long Island Ice Teas, but I digress).

It is important, nay, essential, for those of us who refuse to let language run our lives, to shock and awe the rest of the population with the humorous use of religious and racial slurs and hope to whatever god you may or not believe in that the person you are directing them to will have the wherewithal to see what you are doing and, in turn, fire a "Stupid Whitey" joke right back at you.

Or something funnier, actually. "Stupid Whitey" jokes don't really have the impact they once did.

Once we can learn to stop being so offended by everything, maybe we can get on with our lives and get some things accomplished. Didn't we learn ANYTHING from Lenny Bruce? (other than maybe we shouldn't do so much heroin?)

So Mel Gibson got drunk and said nasty things about Jews. Big deal. If you're so offended, don't go see any more Mel Gibson movies. Don't waste our time making public statements condeming him, and then more public statements about how you do or do not accept his apology. You're more or less just giving him more press. Good job, you stupid Jews.

For the record, I am in no way for the harassment, discrimination or physical assault of any ethnic or religious individual (except maybe the Norwegians. They kinda deserve it). Anyone who says "The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world" are either trying to shock someone into a laugh or is a drunken and/or inbred idiot.

And anyone who wants to email me and call me a "stupid drunken Mick who can't get it up" is more than welcome to. You wouldn't be entirely right, but you won't see me issuing any press releases because of it.

So, until we see a "Buy a nigger a drink day" or bumper stickers that say "Go fly a kite with a kike", I remain your white, oppressive friend who can't dance.

And damn The Man.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

 

My (insanely lopsided) Email Exchange With Warren Ellis

Warren Ellis writes comic books. They're really good ones, too. I like to send celebrities on MySpace similar emails to the one below, sometimes to get their reaction but mostly because I honestly can't think of anything more productive to do with my free time.

My email:

Hey Warren,
"MySpace is great. You can be friends with all sort of people, even famous people. Like, you can be on Warren Ellis's MySpace list and then you can go to a comic book cenvention, and then when you try and go into the green room, some big guy will stop you. And you can say "No, it's cool, I'm on Warren's MySpace friends list, we're old pals." And he won't let you in. And then Warren Ellis will walk out and you can yell "Hey, Warren, it's me! Dougie! You know, from MySpace?" And Warren will just look at you funny and walk away and you yell "FUCK YOU WARREN ELLIS! You are SO out of my Top 8!" And then you go home and email all your friends about what a douchebag Warren Ellis is and take him off your top 8. But you still don't delete him from your friends list because you believe, deep down, you two can patch up your differences and be best friends once again someday."

And he responded with (I shit you not):

" Fuck me, that's brilliant."

You remember that moment when you were at Software Etc. as a kid and you saw one of the guys who created Mortal Kombat and you went to run and find all your friends? Yeah, that's how I felt.

 

Back in the USSR

I miss the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. For a number of reasons:

First, as an enemy, they were a lot cooler, especially compared to Muslim Extremists. Let's look at headwear. Obviously, turbans, in the new American collective conciousness, do strike a bit of fear within us (especially to those Americans who don't realize that Muslims aren't the only ones who wear turbans - anyone from Sihks to women getting out of the shower wear them), it's still pretty much just a blanket wrapped around your head. How much effort does THAT take. The Ruskies, on the other hand, had those really cool poofy, furry winter hats that made them look like angry Davey Crocketts on steroids. Not only did they strike fear in our hearts, but they cost money, so you know some fucked-up bat shit insane commie actually went out and BOUGHT that hat.

Also, the Soviets had their own style of music - that scary demonic choir stuff that made you think of submarines and marshing armies doing goose-steps and shit. They also had a cool flag. Whether or not you're a fan of communism and no matter how patriotic of an American you are or were, you gotta admit that the Soviets had a much more kick-ass flag than we do.

On the other hand, terrorists are a LOT scarier. You don't see a plane or a suicide bomber coming. But if the Russians were to nuke us, big fucking deal. We could just hide under our desks and we'd be OK. At least that's what we were told by our government. And our government wouldn't lie to us, right?

The biggest problem is that now that the USSR is gone, all those people that did cool shit to piss off the Russians, well, now no one gives a crap about them any more. Do you know who Matthias Rust is? Of course you don't. Rust was this badass Finnish pilot who, for shits and giggles, flew from Hellsinki to Moscow and landed his plane in Red Square, right under the noses of Soviet air security. Sure, he was arrested and jailed and sodomized by large men named Boris, but that was fucking awesome back in the day (pissing off the Russians, not getting buttfucked in Soviet prison). Now nobody remembers him except me (and that's just because I spend too much time reading Wikipedia).

So what I'm saying is that if terrorists want to win over peoples' hearts and minds, they need some kick-ass theme music. That's all.

 

Oh, the humanity

Hello! Oh my god, it's so good to see you. Sit down. Or don't. Fine, stand up. See if I care.

Anyhoo...

I would like you, gentle reader, to do two things for me.

First, please tell everyone about this blog, for I would like to be famous with as little effort as possible. I want to be so famous and loved that someone will ask ME to write a book that has a drawing of a caveman punching a gorilla on the cover. I want to be so damned famous that women will come up to me in bars and ask to sleep with me, to which I will gently laugh, take their hand and warmly say "ew, no way fattie."

Oh, I wouldn't do that, come on.

I also want you to pray for the soul of Jack Hues, who isn't dead, but what the hell, just do it anyway, OK?

This isn't a blog about my personal life because my personal life is both none of your god damned business and really of no interest to anyone except people trying to dig up dirt on me to use in future blackmail schemes (I'm looking at YOU, Dad!). I won't be writing about my drunken exploits, either. I'll save that for people with a better publicist than me. (in other words, anyone with a publicist)

And thanks for supporting live experimental theater.

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